Logan

I originally wrote this 5 years ago and it pretty much still holds true. It would be Logan’s 27th birthday soon and I still get a little agitated when it comes around. The phrase “Time heals all wounds” is somewhat correct. The stunning sadness and uncontrollable anger of all those years ago has faded. The hurt, is still there and I will never be fully over the loss. I am not the same man I was back in 1996 (thankfully) but neither am I the same man that wrote this just five years ago. I know someday that I will be greeted at Heaven’s gate by all of my family that went before me, and my Logan will be right up front. For that alone, I look forward to leaving this life and embracing a new beginning.

“This marks Logan’s 22nd birthday. I am unsure why but for the first time the date showed up and somewhat surprised me. I am always very aware of March 21st, I know when it will be here and what day of the week it is on. I even get a little grumpy during the week, less so each passing year, but I still notice it.

My son was lost to us before he had a chance to meet us. It is, to this day, the worst event in my life. Losing my father was bad, but not nearly as bad as losing a child. His death triggered something very special in my life, a desire to see the Lord. Without his loss, I am unsure if I would’ve changed the way I did.

Yes I was angry, mad at God for taking my son. I was bitter for a very long time, but because of people I met after losing him, I realized there were no real answers coming. I would never fully understand what happened, nor why.

I found solace in various books about bad things happening to good people. I grieved deeply at a loss I could not understand, that I could do nothing about. Eventually I returned to prayer and going to church. God had been waiting for me to return and I finally did one day in 1996.

It is not easy giving up your anger and pain, I still retain some of both to this day. He provided comfort and mercy to me and my family. I spent many days still sad and angry, but those lessened each passing year. He provided me with a relief valve when I needed it, He held me when I was unable to keep going. He gave me the ability to cope, one day at a time.

I will never stop missing my son, but one day I will know him. One day I will understand why we lost him.I don’t know when that will be, but I know these things will happen, I will be whole again.”